A new quarter is starting, and I am already stressing out.  This isn't an issue of grades at all--those look fine.  It rather an issue of quality that I expect of myself.  I received two of my final papers from last quarter back, both of which I was feeling quite confident about, and they seem to have significant issues in them.  I am thrilled that I have demanding advisors who expect high quality analysis and research.  It's not to say they don't support my work--they certainly do, but I can't help but feel that I am faking it all right now.  I find myself regularly asking why I was selected for this program and what they saw in me that encouraged them to invite me into this program.  I can't help but feel that I have realized none of the promise they had hoped I would develop into.

Through their eyes, I realize the poorly justified claims, the overstated findings, and broadly presumed assumptions.  I can't seem to recognize those myself, and it is for that that I am most strongly concerned.  I don't know if I have seen growth in myself and that worries me for many reasons.  Am I taking up valuable space and energies that could be used for better purposes?  Am I pretending to be a researcher when really I am just spinning convenient yarns that meet the basest of requirements?  Am I setting myself up for a position of not being able to in the end be anything?   Am I faking being an academic, when maybe I am really just an OK high school teacher?

So why the hell am I doing this? (notice the In Vivo coding)

I find myself asking why I should start a blog that, quite likely, no one is ever going to read.  It's not as though I have tons of free time in my life to be able to keep this up.  So why the hell am I doing this?

1.  As I look back at my life as a high school band teacher and fine arts administrator, I wish I had maintained a detailed account of that growth.  I spent 13 years in the public school classroom, and I feel that I grew tremendously over this time.  I wish I had a perspective of my life in situo throughout that time, if for no other reason than being able to see where I had gone.  It would have made me feel better knowing that once upon a time, I sucked even more.

2.  I am realizing that my family doesn't necessarily want to hear me go on about the weirdness that I am discovering in the world of academia.  Even if no one ever reads this, I can feel as though someone could maybe read it, and perhaps even benefit from it if for no other reason than finding me as such a fool.

3.  This might be a better place to display my whimsy with my experiences than on my Facebook page.


I am setting this up under the premise that it is anonymous, though I am sure over time that it will be simple to figure out where I am at.  First, it's attached to my e-mail account that uses my name, and second, how many major universities are near a major Midwestern city that offer PhD's in music education.  So by no means, do you need to let me know that the anonymity isn't very well maintained.

With that said, here's a little of who I am.  I am part way through my first year of a PhD program.  I come into this program after being a fine arts administrator for 4 years as well as a band director, music theory instructor, and guitar teacher for 12 years at the same school in the far suburbs of the same Midwest metropolis.  I left that position for all sorts of reasons, including, in no particular order:

1. I had grown tired of being a research hobbyist.  I found so many things I wanted to investigate, but I couldn't get the time to do it.
2. I was growing anxious to do something new.  I flirted briefly with becoming a full time administrator (actually turning down a full time position a couple years ago after I decided it wasn't what I wanted to do), but realized that research and teacher preparation was more my interest.
3. I found myself personally bumping heads with my administration, in a way that wasn't healthy for me or my students.
4. The fixed time commitments of a very extensive high school band program was taking a toll on my family and me.  I have 6-year old twins, and the weekend competitions, late night musical rehearsals, the absent months of December and May, and band camp that started just after everything seemed to end were stealing the time I needed to spend with them.  I'm not sure my wife knew my name at times anymore.  While the PhD program certainly isn't less time, it is more flexible time so that I can make the soccer games, bed times, and such that I haven't been able to be a part of before.

So I'm focusing on a few different things within my studies.  I am the strange music teacher who is compelled by studying, using, and teaching literacy.  It comes from my undergrad and earliest teaching experiences of being an English teacher.  I have found myself researching musical independence extensively for the past several months.  My new interest is also in asking what the end results of a music education actually are.  I see all of these related by a connection of critical thinking and broad skills that music is uniquely positioned to accomplish.  Music requires not only critical thought but also critical thought in time, which makes it fairly unique in the educational experience.

So that's me.  More to come, probably with excessive sarcasm, occasional grumpiness, and frequent exhaustion.